in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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