She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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