So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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