I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
