Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
