What did we do last night that was yellow?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
