The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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