Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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