I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
