I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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