There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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