I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
