I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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