everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Pooping to opera.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
