dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
