Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
