We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
