seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
