Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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