I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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