I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
