She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
We have started to decorate penises.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
