he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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