the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
