When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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