I faked an abortion last night.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
