Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
