maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
