I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
There r osticjed everywhere
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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