Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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