I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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