mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I haven't been this sober since birth.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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