All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
