its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
