I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
