Ketchup is God's man juice
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
