Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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