You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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