drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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