im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
