I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
