he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
