before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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