Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
