I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
