Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
