I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
