I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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