if i can run in heels then i can drive
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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