Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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