Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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