"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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